then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize