i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
