the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
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i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
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I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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