Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
