Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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