So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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