Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I supernannyed him into submission
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
