That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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