You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
