Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
