It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
