so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
