they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
