guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They took my balls.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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