I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
