So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
