she woke up with a sticky ear
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize