It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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