My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
