Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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