Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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