Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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