so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
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Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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