Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
