It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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