i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
