Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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