My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
