My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
