The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
