I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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