So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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