so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
