Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
