So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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