Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
