WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
