you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
