forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
