The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
