Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
