i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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