When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
the raccoons are back...
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