I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
