no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
