remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
