Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
