I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
