my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
