glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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