You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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