my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently you make a good broom.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
