paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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