Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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