I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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