Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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