He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
