he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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