she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i out mim tonsoeep
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