I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
