If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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