Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
